Man comes back from the dead: Declares hell not that bad
Elon Rivers from Ft. Wayne, New Jersey, legally dead for 15 minutes in a Hospital ICU unit after a heart attack, was miraculously resuscitated by Doctors on Tuesday morning. After becoming fully conscious, Rivers offered his tale of touring the afterlife, and according to him, said that "Hell was really not that bad." "I mean I don't know why they make such a big deal out of it here on Earth. From what they told me there, it's actually quite civilized. There's no eternal hellfire, although the initial scorch is enough to scare the bejeesus out of you." Rivers mentioned that while he didn't actually experience any hellfire he was told by reputable sources who were very high up in the Hell Executive hierarchy.
"Look they may have been yanking my chain because after all that place is filled with liars, and maybe they knew I'd be back so they want me to create good PR for the place, for what reason only God knows. But seriously, from what I saw it's not that bad. There's plenty of places on Earth that are much worse. Like this certain part of Jersey I won't mention because I have friends there." He went on to say that the eternal damnation part is incredibly rare, and extends only to certain super consciously evil people like Hitler and Polpot. "The rest of them get furloughs, and they have a very fair parole program in place."
Rivers mentioned that he was about to tour Purgatory when the doctors brought him back. "It's too bad really, as I was kind of looking forward to checking that place out. I mean you hear a lot about it on Earth, but it's kind of a mystery. But I'm sure I'll be back, so I can take a look when I die next time".
When asked about a tunnel with white light, he answered that he did go through a tunnel but there was no white light at the end just a white castle. "Maybe it's because I ate burgers before I got the heart attack. Who really knows? All I know is I'll be careful not to eat too many sliders just before I go to sleep next time."
