The Real Meaning of Chanukah

Hi, and welcome to my world.  First of all, I'm thrilled you're here.  You probably got sucked in by the snazzy title, and wanted to learn a little about Jewish History.  I mean, doesn't everyone?  After all, if as they say, the jews own everything, then shouldn't we study them to learn how they got that way?  

OK, down to business, about Chanukah.  First of all, I want you to know that most of you are getting gipped at the modernization of the word.  It is actually spelled with the CH, just like Christmas, but unlike Christmas, the CH doesn't have the K sound, nor does it have the Cha-Cha-Cha sound that most people unfamiliar with the hebrew language would grant it.  It's actually pronounced- get ready for this...OK, I just realized that it's going to be exceptionally hard to phonetically communicate the sound in writing.  So it looks like I'm going to have to demonstrate it orally. Click here to hear the real ch sound.

OK, now that you've enjoyed that hebrew lesson, let me explain what that guttural sound actually is.  It's the sound that gives the Jews all their money.  You see it's so harsh and annoying that it's like nails on a chalkboard (boy is that an old metaphor!) to the almighty- or God for you laymen.  So when God hears that CH sound, in order to shut up his (or her) Chosen people he (or she) just throws more money at them.  This is one of the reasons that Jewish children everywhere get Chanukah Gelt.  Actually in my house we use to receive Chanukah Guilt.  "You broke your toys last year- nothing for you!".  OK, now where was I, oh yes- Chanukah, and it's history.

History Lesson 1:  The Oil

Now some people may say that Christmas is an extraordinary holiday in that it celebrates the birth of a savior who ultimately dies on a cross for his people's sins, and then resurrects.  I mean that's kinda cool, but it's more SuperHero, comic book stuff.  Not really something, I personally can sink my teeth into, or believe.  (Sorry, Christian readers.)  However, with Chanukah, while the story is also about a miracle, it's not necessarily an unbelievable one like a chick getting pregnant without some kind of sexual act.  Virgin birth?  I mean, really?!  How was old Joseph feeling about his wife being pregnant while he didn't even have an opportunity to knock her up.  Not very happy I suspect, even if it was God's kid.  But I digress... Getting back to the Chanukah thing.  The miracle, and there was actually a couple.  Besides the oil miracle (which we'll get to in a second.)  There was actually another miracle that centered around a military victory.  Contrary to popular opinion of Jews maybe not being the most physical specimens,  Jews have come through in military battles throughout the ages not to mention currently having one of the best armies in the world in Israel.  So this particular battle of Chanukah was kind of like the Original 300, but instead of the 300 fighting bravely, and ultimately losing, these guys- the Macabees, actually beat the great Grecian Army.  (I hear they did it with a little Grecian Formula).  Now I'm not gonna make any corny jokes, about the relationship between Greece and Oil, and how the miracles were actually connected, but I'm very tempted.  No, this Greesy victory was independent of oil.  Although it was probably the last time in the middle east that a battle didn't have something to do with oil.

And that's my next point-  oil is a very relevant topic currently, how we're dependent on foreign oil, global warming etc.  This was a miracle of making oil last for 8 days. Now that is definitely a miracle I can identify with.  Can you imagine if you had a tank of gas that was on empty, and you were in the middle of the interstate, and you were going to be stranded in the hot sun somewhere on your way to Vegas, and your AC would give out, and you would die like a rodent in the desert with no one being the wiser?  Well that's happened to me.  And the gas that should've only lasted 1 mile, lasted for 8 miles.  A real frickin' miracle, and i've experienced it, so I can say it's possible.  Now I know that gas isn't oil, but it sure is a derivative of oil.  So in that sense, it is a miracle of oil.  Oh wait, I forgot to explain the miracle of Chanukah, or at least clue you into it, in case you didn't know.  

Now here's the story, in the holy temple of Jerusalem, in the holy of holies (That's a lot of holy, and I wonder if that had any Guacamole in the Holy of Holies, which would've been the Holy of Holies Guacamoles.) Where was I?  Oh yeah, the holy of holies, there was a Menorah (A candelabra for the layman), and this Menorah had to be lit constantly. (Kind of like the eternal flame at the tomb of the unknown soldier)  And not only did it need to burn constantly, but it needed to have a very special kind of oil  (high octane unleaded) to burn from.  No, no, not high octane unleaded, well kind of like that.  It had to be super, super, super virgin olive oil.  See there's always a virgin in one of these miracle holiday wintery tales.  So the thing is with all the fighting going on the temple had been desecrated and sacked, and all the good oil had been taken by the Greeks so they could make their hair nice and greasy.  Sheesh, you would've thought it was the Italians who were doing it.  (Actually they knocked off the temple a little while later while they were still going by the Roman thing (think Gods and Coliseums)).  So here were these Jews who needed to keep this menorah lit otherwise God would've taken it as a personal affront, and might've shut down the holy of holies altogether, not to mention put a bad mark on their credit.  (Which shows up on your report, when you're trying to apply for a new temple.)   So now they find one jar of the oil that the Greeks hadn't taken, and they got to go to the virgin, virgin, virgin olive oil store.  The only thing is there's no 7-11s in those days.  There's no even internet (What? You say.) to purchase it off.  There's no fed-ex, UPS, or anything.  There's just these Jewish guys, and of course they're trying to get a deal on this stuff because it's very expensive.  So one of him, let's call him Mosh for the sake of this story says to Dave, "Hey Dave, I know this guy, where I can get a good deal on this, but he lives really far away.",  and Dave says,  "So you can score the stuff?"  "Yes, but it's gonna take 4 days to get there.  And then hopefully he's home, and then 4 days to get back."  So Dave says, "8 Days?!  We only got oil for 1 day."  Now I don't know if any of you ever had to make like 10 bucks last 3 days or so, and you thought for sure you couldn't do it, but then your girlfriend's mother invites you over for dinner, and then your neighbor insists you carpool to work with him.  Then you get a free gym pass for the week.  And you win a radio contest where you end up getting free concert tickets, and before you know it that 3 days is up, and you've managed to survive.  Well in this instance that oil ended up lasting the whole 8 days.  And it burned bright, as bright as Rudolphs nose.  In fact, I hear Mosh got the oil from Santa, who was into dealing oil before he got into toy making.  Some people even say that that's where the oil in the middle east came from-  Santa, right before he moved to the North Pole (Because he couldn't take the heat.)  he found a bedouin Arab tribe, and gave them all of the rights to his oil fields.   OK, kids, hope you enjoyed your history lesson.  The moral of the story is buy an electric car, so you don't have to freak out when you're running low on gas.  And know that any time you think you're running out of something, and you're not gonna make it, don't worry, because Santa will give you what you need.  But only if you've been good little boys and girls.  The End